Guidelines
Possible
Reminders
Just in case you/the survivor may be reminded of abuse, Ill explain some
things which occur because of the type of webpage and where it is written.
Firstly, “pop up” advertisements will appear from time to time. As this is a
free webpage, this occurs. You can simply go back to the page by clicking on
it. Hopefully not too many will pop up to annoy you. Secondly, this is written
in Indonesia and so therefore Indonesian language that is for advertising or
whatever will appear. You may see for example, “Untuk orang yang aku cintai
SHT” which is a Microsoft ad saying in English “For people who love me”. Try
not to get bothered by it.
Reading the Webpages
Ive written the webpages so that they are straightforward and follow
some logical order. It begins with an introduction, describes the abuse and
perpetrators, and then concentrates on survivorship. It then lists resources
for more support. The reader can also go back and forth between webpages to get
more information. The most important consideration I feel is that the reader
feels safe and supported during reading the information and I have therefore
outlined the main issues concerning safety.
Safety
Safety is a major concern for victims/survivors. Unfortunately, the
abuse is severe and causes a lot of psychological pain and like physical pain,
may need hopitalisation and medication. First there is programming which
intends to harm the victim/survivor even with having suicidal thoughts. As the
perpetrators are major criminals in government positions and sometimes chiefs,
and involves major government actions and policy, the victim/survivor can also
be intimidated. These are recommendations for getting and maintaining safety.
They come from my and other victims/survivors experience and advice from
counsellors. Not all survivors get severely disorientated, suicidal or are
intimidated, however, in case these happen, this advice is offered.
Safety within Programming Effects
First there is safety within controlling the
programming and memories inside yourself. It is really important to be aware of
what the programming is and how it is affecting you. Most problems
victims/survivors encounter are within the programming which is inside of you.
This is the pain, confusion and the torture of the memories, and the cues that
set them off. If you can remember that programming is memory and cues that are
actually not happening now, you are halfway to dealing with them. The
programming perpetrators and torture, etc are in the past, eg in 2002, 1996,
1964, etc. NOT TODAY.
When reading information about AGMC all
victims/survivors get cued. We have been programmed not to read info. When we
do, programs come on that “we will die”, that “friends, partners, children,
family, pets or other loved ones will die”, that “the information itself are
lies or a conspiracy”, etc. These are lies but they are based on torture and
pain and so need some understanding and care. Sometimes the programs will come
on immediately and the victim/survivor will either stop, get confused, get
panicky, and sometimes, in reverse, even read constantly and even feverishly to
counteract the programming. If it feels strange to read, take time out. Don’t
push unless you feel up to it. Remember also that programs can come on later
like when youre about to go to sleep because of what you read now. Think of
when you read normally and if reading material about AGMC seems too weird from
that then take some time out. Pace yourself. Get to know how much you can cope
with. If after reading this you feel too spaced out and have to deprogram, take
some time out. If not, continue reading.
Then there is reading that will bring on
feeling overwhelmed, having flashbacks, feeling nauseous, etc. This can happen
immediately or later, maybe, many days later. This is also normal considering
that you maybe cued and also reminded of the abuse. The victim/survivor may
start to have memory of the abuse whether this be in the programming or in the
deployment. The victim/survivor loses time, feels they are in the past, sees
people and places as abuse or in other words are stuck in memory. It is really
important to stop reading and be aware of where the victim/survivor is now ie not
in the torture or deployment.
When memories or programming gets too much out
of control, the victim/survivor can go into a crisis. Signs of crisis are
feeling overwhelmed or extremely disorientated, want desperately to be
hospitalised, cant breathe, feel you may have a heart attack, are having a
panic attack, etc. If these or similar are happening call a friend, partner,
innocent family, your counsellor or a telephone counselling line. If you cant
reach them and still in trouble, call a taxi and go to casualty/hospital.
Meanwhile breathe, relax, do things that your counsellor may have recommended
or you’ve read about for a crisis. The important thing is to BREATHE and SLOWLY
AND IN YOUR LUNGS IN THE STOMACH AREA. This may sound weird but your lungs are
wanting deep breaths from the bottom part near the stomach. Don’t breathe
quickly as this brings a rush and can leave you without air. Touch parts of
your body such as your arms and legs to bring you back to the present.
Do not go near anything that can harm you like
kitchen drawers and knives, medicine cabinets and tablets, electric sockets,
rope, etc. Go outside if it feels safer. Throw away harmful things like knives
up on the roof, sleeping tablets down the toilet, etc. If its any help, weve
all been in crisis periods and know the uncertainty and extreme fear. The fear
of being attacked, of wanting to hide, of wanting to run, of seeing people,
even friends as perpetrators, etc – in
other words losing it. These periods do pass. I and other survivors have had
many of them. The important thing is to find what is real safety. Run if this
feels better, but NOT ONTO THE ROAD. Ring a friend, BUT NOT A PERPETRATOR. Suck
your thumb, have a bath, cry with a friend. THE CRISIS ONLY LASTS A SHORT
WHILE. It may seem like forever, BUT IT LASTS ONLY A SHORT WHILE.
Sometimes, problems come up unexpectedly. For
example, you could be happily going along and then have a panic attack while
doing some shopping. This can happen easily to victims/survivors as s/he may
not be aware of subconscious programming. Also some triggering may occur like
seeing someone who reminds him/her of being a perpetrator. If you feel dizzy,
or are losing it, particularly in a public place, stop what you are doing and
rest. To other people it simply looks like youre sick and not that your crazy,
etc. Do what has been suggested above. Do lots of slow breathing and from near
the stomach. Touch parts of your body. Look around and simply concentrate on
something so that you are back in the present. Dont move unless you feel really
confident. If people try to help you, just explain that youre having difficulty
breathing or concentrating. There is no need to explain youre having a panic
attack, unless you wish to. If you think you are having a major panic attack,
get a responsible person such as a store assistant, cafe attendant, etc to ring
a friend or your counsellor or even the hospital.
The effects of programming and having memories are
also made worse when a victim/survivor is very sick, tired or stressed.
Physical illnesses and aliments from the flu to major body injuries force you
to be in your body and can remind you of physical pain and torture. Also simply
fighting the disease and recuperating takes some time and energy which maybe
needed for deprogramming. Having intrusive medical tests and surgery from a
blood test and needles to major surgery and anaesthetics and oxygen masks,
maybe very triggering. Having a partner, friend or counsellor with you, and
remembering that this is different to the programming torture memories are very
important.
Crisis Periods
Every survivor goes through crisis periods.
This is when you/the survivor may feel suicidal, desperate, with no hope, have
no direction, am extremely stressed and have major physical and psychological
problems, etc. This situation occurs particularly in the initial stages of
recovery and when a major revelation occurs such as realising you are being
deployed. During crisis periods, everything is very painful, confusing and
overwhelming. Signs of crisis stress
are: a disorganized life- eg housework not done for days, sleeping way too
much, not going out, overly using addictions, not going to work for days,
homelessness, etc; lacking hope and seeing no future; and having major (not the
usual minor) relationship hassles with other survivors, partners, counsellors,
friends and people generally; being overly suspicious of institutions,
counsellors, friends and people generally, etc
Crisis periods are generally short term. If
they go for over a very long time, there is a definite need to see a counsellor
more. The general ways in deprogramming and working through memories are
instead put aside for this short term coping.
Alleviating and Stopping the Crisis
These are suggestions from Beyond Survival
magazine, a Ritual Abuse Survivor’s magazine, which are good for taking the
edge off the pain during a crisis. They are not the only ones. As someone who
has survived such monstrous torture you/the survivor may have worked out many
other ways of calming yourself/the survivor down.
Breathe. Breathe deeply and wriggle your toes.
Rub your arms and legs. Blink hard. Keep eye contact with something such as
your pet.
Make a list of your reasons NOT to kill
yourself. Read it. Give a copy to your friends to read out to you when needed.
Be safe and warm. Put a blanket around you and
cuddle a teddy bear. Hold onto your pet.
Make a list of things you can do to make you
feel better: go out for dinner, have a bath, read a book, suck on a dummy, go
for a walk. Whatever works or feels right for you.
Write in a journal.
Ring a friend.
Tell yourself that you are worth being loved.
You are good.
Be proud of having survived. The fact that you
are still alive after all the torture shows what an amazingly strong and lucky
person you are.
Ring a crisis number and talk to them. You can
ring Lifeline, Youthline, Helpline or the Sexual Assault Referral Centre. They
are there twenty four hours a day. You dont need to explain you are a AGMC
survivor. You need to simply tell them that you are in a crisis. Youre finding
it hard to breathe, to cope, to understand whats happening around you, are
suicidal or whatever is happening. They will listen. I and other survivors know
this from experience. The telephone service understands you are in a crisis and
are there for this very reason. They genuinely want to help.
The important thing during a crisis is to do
whatever you feel is good and safe for you. Also remember that youre having a
hard time and if you slip and are angry for no reason with someone else then
try not to worry about it. This is your crisis, its hard and painful and you
need not explain. Apologise later.
If you are being intimidated please see Intimidation
Taking it at the Survivors and
Supporters Pace
It needs to be stressed that it is important that survivors and
supporters take survivorship and support at a pace that suits you. Most
survivors and supporters naturally want to rush in and solve the problems as
quickly as possible. This is understandable. However, these can be overwhelming
as well. Feverishly looking for information, or thinking that you need to
deprogram constantly, etc can be very tiring and may seem like a constant
uphill battle of reacting to the fears and stress. Try and understand why you
are reacting so strongly or being driven so much. It maybe a clue to being
accessed, or a fear of being accessed, etc and this is in itself helpful.
However, most survivors find that after a while they need to also take
time out, find things to enjoy, etc so that they are not constantly
reacting. Constantly reacting is also
in one sense playing into being a victim so its important to control the
recovery process and take it at a pace that suits you. Stuff them!