Indirect Effects of the Abuse
Apart from the mind control and
the deployment themselves, the torture, deception, etc can indirectly affect the
victim/survivor in physical and psychological ways. These are the indirect
effects which the perpetrators are sure would occur, and again, have no sympathy
or concern for. Even though they occur at the time of the abuse, when the
victim/survivor starts to associate or come in touch with his/her body and mind,
s/he starts to see more clearly impact that the abuse has had.
The physical effects are mainly
in the areas of sleeping, exercising and eating and digestion. Many survivors do
not sleep well because we were mainly programmed, trained and deployed at
night. Chronic insomnia is also a
major problem. This differs from simply not sleeping. Its when a long and
constant lack of sleep has severe psychological effects. People can become
delusional and may need hospitalisation.
Our eating habits were either
totally disturbed or we were forced to eat horrible rotten food which both
turned us off eating and affected our digestive system. Also the psychological
effects have affected our digestion with many survivors suffering from Irritable
Bowel Syndrome and other stomach complaints. Many survivors suffer from
constipation, diarrhea, weak bladder, the inability to urinate, etc. Poor
sleeping, eating and digestion leads to lethargy and not wanting to exercise.
The overall effect of these is physical depression where the victim/survivor
just doesn’t feel like doing anything.
Much emotional stress places a
lot of pressure on the heart and many survivors suffer from high blood pressure.
An inordinate number of victims/survivors also smoke in order to relive stress
which effects the lungs. Also many survivor use alcohol and illicit drugs for
escapism which can cause physical problems as well as being physically
addictive. Severe migraines caused
by the intense confusion of emotions and thoughts are also common to
victims/survivors. Another common concern is body image. Many survivors either
consciously or unconsciously change their body shape, facial features, have poor
hygiene, etc in order to not be reabused. They make themselves overweight to
look unattractive or thin to be invisible. Other victims/survivors make
themselves look extremely attractive as either handsome or beautiful in order to
please and believe they wont get harmed. Bulimia, over exercising, etc can occur
in order to fulfill these. All survivors I know have physical scars from the
torture. These can include major cuts particularly in the genital and anal areas
and in other areas not greatly seen such as the backs of
arms.
A visit to the doctor is very
important for victims/survivors even for a check up. Its difficult just coping
with recovery to not have to put up with physical problems as well. You don’t
have to explain what happened if you don’t want to. If you can find a
sympathetic doctor to explain these things all the better, but its not
necessary.
All survivors suffer from
psychological effects, mostly Dissociative Identity Disorder and Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder . Ive used these terms as they are the ones commonly used, but a
general explanation of them is provided.
A counsellor or
doctor may use psychological/medical terminology when talking about the effects
of the abuse. Also this terminology may be used if the survivor/victim is
applying for Social Security/Centrelink benefits. If the survivor/victim is not
familiar with them, ask her/him to get the counsellor, doctor, Social
Security/Centrelink staff, etc to explain the words in everyday language.
Dissociative Identity
Disorder or DID which was previously called
Multiple Personality Disorder or
MPD
Dissociative Identity Disorder
happens when a person spaces out way too much and for too long a time. It then
seriously intrudes upon thinking and doing things. The worst aspect of this is
when a victim/survivor loses all touch with present reality. This is called a
psychotic episode in psychological/medical terminology, or having a full on
flashback or blanking out in everyday language. Panic attacks are also similar
as the person panics because of a traumatic memory. This can occur generally or
when in a situation that reminds the victim/survivor of the abuse such as being
caught in a lift. The person panics because s/he feels that s/he is back in the
same situation of no escape or torture, etc. The extreme fear and panic leads to
losing it and “going crazy”.
DID also happens when a
survivor/victim is switching from one personality to another and you cant think
properly. What can make it worse is that the parts may also have different
approaches and ideas. The result is that a lot of time and energy is spent in
being constant and actually doing what the victim/survivor wants to do. It can
take say an hour to do something that generally takes ten minutes because there
has been switching, confusion of thoughts, coming back to the beginning and
starting over, etc. This in itself also causes frustration and taking longer to
do things. This is not any of the parts fault or the victim/survivors fault. It
is a disturbing effect of the perpetrator’s trauma.
Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder or
PTSD
This is the
effects of trauma sometime after it has occurred. It maybe a full memory of the
trauma or a reminder of the trauma. It is a disorder as it disturbs general
thinking and doing things. The first type is having too much traumatic memory to
deal with. The victim/survivor can have a full on memory or flashback, or is
swamped continuously. A flashback is when the victim/survivor is fully within
the memory. S/he can only see, feel, hear, smell, taste, etc the trauma of say a
rape or the carnage. S/he is experiencing the trauma fully with no consciousness
of the different present reality. It can occur any time and anywhere and without
warning. It is not a sleeping dream or daydream. These occur a lot in the first
stages of recovery and in a breakdown. This differs
from DID in that memory of the trauma, not the dissociation, is causing
problems.
The second type is when a
traumatic memory seriously intrudes on the survivor/victim doing things. This is
not an actual full on memory but when reality becomes blurred because something
or someone reminds the victim/survivor of past abuse. This memory that cannot be
distinguished from the reality at the time causes inappropriate reactions. The victim/survivor maybe easily
disturbed by noise and have phobias – claustrophobia –fear of being closed in,
agoraphobia – fear of open spaces, fear of too many people in one place, fear of
heights, fear of machinery, of cars, etc. S/he can be easily triggered by
similar situations, ideologies, places and people, professions, etc and find it
difficult to watch movies and television, particularly of war and are extremely
patriotic, espionage, rape, molestation, etc.
Other effects of this type is
that it is difficult to relate to people as it maybe hard to distinguish current
people from past perpetrators. Friendships, relationships, colleagues,
particular workers, etc can be difficult. Sex itself can be difficult. A person
maybe drawn to a person who looks like a perpetrator or is repulsed. Acting out
or the fear of acting out may happen. Having children may also be difficult as
it may remind the victim/survivor of sexual abuse as happens with Post Natal
Depression or it may mean that his/her children may be abused by the grubs.
In needs to be said that having
memories is actually good if the survivor can discharge them. Memories come up
when they can and they shouldn’t be seen as an illness or wrong. The
survivor/victim is processing the memory in order to get rid of it. If
there are too many and they occur at the same time then it can be
harmful.
Too many memories popping up at
a time could also be a sign of needing to deprogram too fast. In other words it
means that the victim/survivor may be fearful of being accessed and is working
quickly through the memories of the programming in order to stop the accessing.
This is a common problem. What needs to happen is that victim/survivor needs to
look inside her/himself and talk to parts to ask what is wrong and to ask if
accessing maybe happening and when and where the accessing is.
Chronic
Depression
This is depression that is
constant and severe. Everyone suffers from depression from time to time.
Depression is the psychological and physical condition where negativity takes
hold. Chronic depression occurs when it remains for long periods and there does
not seem to be any way of lifting it. The victim/survivor is stuck in negative
emotions and/or the inability to express these emotions. Psychologically, the
victim/survivor lacks some sense of hope, thinks s/he is not capable of dealing
with things, is languid or very tired all the time, lacks motivation, goes into isolation, etc. Physically the
depression causes extreme fatigue, body ailments such as poor digestion, a lack
of appetite, poor sleeping, etc. Another disturbing aspect of chronic depression
is that it can easily go deeper and deeper. Negativity can breed more negativity
and a poor diet can lead to further listleness, etc. Depression is changed by
addressing the problems.
This is a physical and
psychological condition where many debilitating aspects have come together
within a collection or syndrome.
The aspects can be physical and/or psychological. When there are too many it causes
extreme tiredness or chronic fatigue. Signs are the continual need to rest,
taking a long time to do activities, resting for long periods, lack of
motivation, allergies to particular foods and smells particularly that which are
chemical such as petrol, etc. Many agmc survivors/victims suffer from CFS as so
much energy is used in keeping memories and programming at bay, and in working
through the memories and programming.
Many victims/survivors suffer
from sort of addiction such as overly using or being extremely dependant upon
tv, videos, food, sex, nicotine, sleep, alcohol, illicit drugs, too much
physical exercise, love, etc. An addiction is a dependence upon something to the
degree that it can cause physical, psychological, and/or emotional harm. We
physically need some of these things like food and physical exercise but if we
have too much then it causes problems for the body. Small amounts of harmful
substances like cigarettes are reasonably ok, but too much again causes
problems. Small amounts of recreational activities like sport or television are
good but again too much causes physical and psychological problems. We can
become couch potatoes, running addicts, etc. Sex and love are very good when in
realistic terms, but when one is constantly craving sex and/or love than s/he is
unreasonably preoccupied. Its good to see all addictions sympathetically and not
to judge them. People have developed addictions to cover up pain, loneliness,
abuse, etc. They are like ways of
escaping and will go when the survivor/victim can address the abuse and
pain.
The degree and amount of the
physical and psychological effects change. The degree and amount generally
depends upon how well the recovery process is going and how much the
victim/survivor is not being abused by perpetrators. Being able to work through
programming and memories means a freeing up in the mind and body and there is
less stress and therefore less PTSD, needing to use addictions, etc. When a
victim/survivor is being accessed and deployed there is a lot of stress and
problems. Having support from counsellors, friends, fellow survivors,
community/church, etc helps with the stress and its effects.
There are also specific times
when the PTSD, DID, etc happen strongly. These are when having memory,
particularly constant and strong memory, or when there is the actuality or fear
of accessing, deployment, intimidation and reprogramming. Also major dates such
as birthdays, or Australian nationalistic holidays such as Australia Day, can
trigger and cause PTSD and DID.
Also external events can
increase the PTSD, DID, use of addictions, etc. Marriage breakups, deaths of
friends, work problems, etc can exacerbate things. One needs to try and separate
the issues and see what they are. A marriage breakup may trigger programming
about “not being good”, but they are two completely different things. The
victim/survivor needs to see that the marriage breakup happened because of
irreconcilable differences or whatever, and the programming was simply torture
and lies.
Possible Effects When
Becoming Aware
A time when PTSD, DID, etc are
very strong is during the initial stages of survivorship when s/he is getting
awareness, validation, getting support etc and overall adjusting to being a
survivor. Some survivors when getting awareness of the abuse become unstable.
S/he maybe swamped by memories, not understanding what is happening, in panic,
feeling lost, isolated, in shock, etc. S/he may not know him/herself anymore.
Some survivors feel they need to be hospitalised, to run far away and/or to see
his/her counsellor all the time.
These are all understandable
reactions. First mind control is deliberately non conscious and consists of
attempted total control of people and over a very long period of time, possibly
their whole life. Becoming aware of this is a completely new experience and may
change a person completely. No wonder the victim/survivor feels lost and
confused. Mind control and deployment also have major traumatic memories and so
handling these memories can be very difficult. Then there is the programming
“suicide” commands to deal with when getting awareness and disclosing. And then
there are the lying threats by perpetrators of him/her or loved ones killed” if
s/he becomes aware and discloses. And the victim/survivor has to then accept
these memories and to tell other people especially counsellors and possibly
friends. S/he maybe worried that s/he wont be validated and supported by
them.
A major issue is that
survivors/victims are not sure how long the process will take and don’t feel
confident in being the new person. This takes time in accepting the new self.
The survivor/victim can feel like a new born baby. However as different to a
baby, the person can use the abilities of his/her current age which is generally
of being a teenager or adult. Self acceptance is quicker than when a child and
also a teenager and adult know how to use resources better than a child. These
resources include Social Security. the police, etc. The survivor has the ability
to get protection, travel, find counselling, etc.
There is also feeling the
constant need to deprogram so that s/he cant be accessed and reabused. Survivors
become aware that they have programming to self harm, to contact perpetrators,
to not disclose as with counselling, etc. Therefore survivors sometimes go into
a frantic pace of deprogramming. This means working through memories very
quickly, of trying to understand which parts are ringing, writing, and placing
demands on parts to tell what is going on, etc. The contact programs are
particularly stressed as the perpetrators can get hold of the survivor/victim by
communication. This panic and the demands however can cause parts to withdraw,
to be confused and even refuse to comply and even further contact perpetrators.
Survivors, including myself have found that taking deprogramming at a manageable
pace means being able to control it better. Parts which are deceived and forced
into contacting perpetrators want the survivor to be confident and caring so
that they will talk with him/her. Being frantic and applying pressure is like
mistreating a child to demand what is going on. Children understandably wont say
anything and if they have been tricked into being loyal to someone else and
against the survivor, they will tell them instead. So a lot of care and taking
time to listen is extremely important.
Victims/survivors are also fear
intimidation and death threats. S/he can understandably become paranoid,
constantly want to run away, actually run away, want to be hospitalised or put
in a refuge, etc.
Possible Effects when having
New Awareness
A survivor also has similar
experiences when there is major new awareness. S/he may become aware of being
deployed, being accessed, and/or had a major memory. These may happen many years
into recovery. S/he goes through the same uncertainty and gets horrible
programming and memories, etc. S/he feels very threatened, unstable, confused,
etc. S/he may also feel disappointed as s/he thought s/he had worked fully on
these issues before.
There is also a lifestyle change
being a survivor. Previously, the victim was doing normal things such as having
a job, going to university, having a family, having a partner, etc. Now with the
revelation and acceptance of being a victim/survivor, many aspects of her/his
life change, and radically. The worst situation is that the partner may actually
be a perpetrator and his/her children are being abused. Therefore, a separation
and divorce is wanted. Child custody issues come in. A parent, will mostly like
be a perpetrator and breaking family contact is wanted. There is the possibility
that friends may not accept what you say and so new friends need to be sought.
There maybe the difficulty of holding down a job or going to university because
of the intensity of the memories and stopping the programming and intimidation.
Then there is the lifestyle of being a survivor. This means organising life
around doing personal recovery work such as undoing programming which entails
taking time out during the day for journalling or writing down whats happening,
etc. It means finding a counsellor and having weekly or sometimes twice weekly
appointments, finding a support group, finding people who will listen and
understand what you are going through, finding more information about AGMC,
etc.
All victims/survivors go through
this lifestyle change. Before I got memory I had a job, was in a relationship,
was doing normal recreational things, had friends, saw my family, etc. After
realising I was being abused, my life completely changed. I quit my job, moved
to the other side of Australia, stopped contact with my family, even innocent
family who were horrible, made new
friends who accepted what had happened/is happening, and became a survivor. I
went on disability, continued counselling, found a support group and am doing
recreational things again.
During survivorship, a survivor
can have a general life. This may mean doing everyday things like running a
flat/house, travelling, doing studies, having a part time/full time job,
socialising, having friendships, etc. The effects of DID, PTSD, CFS, etc depend
on the person coping. DID, PTSD, and their intensity etc effect people
differently depending upon the length and severity of the abuse, how much they
are currently being abused, the amount of support they can get, how much safety
the can obtain, etc. Over time, the effects lessen. A survivor who was
hospitalised and gave up their house, can say first settle down again, do some
studies or go back to work first part time, then full time, etc if s/he wants
to.
With ways to ease and stop
programming, intimidation and being in a crisis please see Guidelines .
Dealing with the Effects of
Becoming Aware, Lifestyle Changes and Awareness
During these periods it seems
very important to trust the process. The survivor/victim has made a decision
somewhere to look at whats happening and to address it. Therefore what may seem
to be a “breakdown from nowhere” is actually something that the survivor/victim
can control. Making the decision means that somewhere in the person is the
ability to take control of the situation. Building confidence is really
important. Trust your intuition, your memories, your rationality and all the
abilities you have. Find validation whether from the internet, friends,
counsellors, survivors, anyone who will listen and support you. I know of
survivors who left partners and children, found a job elsewehere, and are now
having a normal life.
During these period the
survivor/victim can also use anything that helps him/her as long as s/he doesn’t
do anything that causes serious self harm like drinking too much or sleeping too
much or in particular suicide. Its like ‘this is my breakdown and Ill do
whatever I want’!!!! This is also a period of taking it one day at time or even
one minute at a time. Many survivor/victims take time off work, leave work,
leave the area, etc. Its very important to see that it is a breakdown or a
period destabilising and needs time out for resting, recuperating, rearranging
things, etc.
Remember that programming is
about lies even ones about “being killed”. There could have been a past, and the
emphasis is on past, memory that consisted of a scenario where a perpetrator
“broke into the person’s house and “could have easily killed them“ after
disclosing. It is important to remember this a memory and a program setup. It is
not, and will not be a reality. For extra peace of mind, tell other people,
particularly your counsellor and friends about the threats. The grubs cannot
kill you. If “you die” there has to be a full investigation by the police which
your friends and counsellor will demand will happen properly.